My Card - I blocked some information in case of stalkers lol

I used to have days where I'd have time to work out every single day and not care about anything else.  I had these dreams to finish college and go back to school to become a physical therapist/sports therapist.  I worked out to the point where I lost 20 lbs. in a little over a month and I had a four-pack forming.  I never thought I could ever achieve such a feat, but I did.  Once my internship last summer hit, however, all my free time went to work and school.  I stopped going to the gym and working out.  I got lazy and flabby and I lost a lot of strength and energy I used to have whenever I went to the gym.  I didn't want to do anything other than rest after getting home from a long day's work.  I guess you could say I sort of disappeared off of the face of the earth for a while.  My trainers, my friends, and my relatives were all wondering what happened to me because I lost all my free time.  After school finished, I thought I would have more free time, but in reality, all I thought about was working and earning money.  I just wanted to get a better job than the ones I currently had.  My job was too stressful on me and they put a lot of the blame on the receptionists because they were too afraid to blame the nurses and the supervisors.  One day, I received a call from the hospital I'd interned at and they asked me for an interview.  After a week, I got the position I'd been praying to get and it was the start of a whole new chapter in my life. 

I thought the chapter for personal training and working out at the gym was over and finished.  I hadn't gone to the gym in so long and I stopped dancing.  I focused on studying and working to pay off my bills.  Boy, was I wrong.  I got a call from one of my old trainers, Sylvia, and she asked me what my work hours were like.  I gave her the days and times I worked and she asked me if I wanted to start seeing clients.  I was shocked to hear her say that to me because I didn't think I would ever become a personal trainer, or let alone, have my own client.  I took the exam last year and passed but I never thought into it.  She told me she wanted me to work for her for the Fit Fem and I decided I'd try it out.  I came to her kickboxing class and she gave me the equipment to start, as well as the woman I was going to meet.  This woman's name is Marcy and Sylvia told me I'd go to her house to train her for 30 mins, twice a week.  I was absolutely terrified of going to see her.  I didn't know what to expect and I haven't been "seasoned" enough to be an expert trainer.  I told myself I'd do my best for this client, so I got my CPR re-certification and a notebook to keep a log of things I've been doing.  When I got there, I stood in front of one of those mansion-like houses that I could only dream of living in.  I rang the bell.

Marcy opened the door and abruptly let me into her house.  The first thing I noticed were her three Yorkies sitting in a basket.  They were adorable and reminded me of my Chuchi at home.  Marcy led me up the stairs and wanted to start right away, but I wanted to sit down and chat with her to break some ice in order for her to get more comfortable with me.  We talked about her weight training, her eating habits, and what she's been doing to lose weight.  From there, I walked her through her exercises one by one and she was so tired from there.  I felt this rush of empowerment over my client and happiness because I knew I would be helping her in the long run.  Training clients is what I always wanted to do and now was my chance to prove that I was a good trainer.  I made her work hard in order for her to "feel the burn."  By the time it was over, she seemed a little bit overwhelmed... mainly because I told her to walk up and down the stairs with a medicine ball above her head and she told me she gets winded from walking up and down.  Whoops.

When she started her second class with me, she told me how much she wanted to cancel and how sore she was, but she decided against canceling.  She wanted to stick to the program and she wanted to stick with me.  She told me I kicked her ass but I was a great trainer and I knew what I was doing.  LOL I was terrified that I didn't know anything!  When she told me that, it only wanted me to train her more and she's been with me for about a month now.  She's made some good progress and I've also gained a few other clients along the way... who I'm very pleased with.  Each of my clients have their own little thoughts about the way they want to look, and I'm here to help them.  This is what I want to do as my hobby and it makes me happy to hear my clients trust me to help them achieve their goals.  I want to do the best I can.  I've had some good influences and instructors to help me along the way as well... Gail, Sylvia, Val, Tara, Angel, and a few others... but they always stick out in my mind when I train.  I'd think to myself, "Okay, what would they do if their client's back was hurting?" or whatever scenario comes up in my head.  I'm ecstatic to see where this all goes.

Now... it's my turn to get back into shape and train.  Val's got my back on this one and he is going to kick my ass like he always does.  I can't wait for this.  I'm looking forward to it, because my time to work out has been long overdue.  If anyone needs a trainer, you know where to find me.  Wish me luck!!!

For Catholics, Lent has finally started.  Another 40 days will go by and we will fast from meat on Fridays and go to church every week as usual.  Ash Wednesday has come and gone and we received our ashes to symbolize how we will become dust once this life has come and gone.  We will spend the next month reflecting upon Jesus' death and resurrection, which means Palm Sunday, Good Friday, and Easter Sunday will come to pass.  All these traditions have many meanings, but I never really thought about what everything meant to me up until today.

I've actually been lacking in my faith as of lately, mainly because of my run in with Fr. Johnny at my church during the time I went to Spain for World Youth Day (JMD '11).  Back in August, he and I had an argument about leadership.  He was angry at me for wearing a pair of shorts slightly above the knee and he wanted me to wear one past my knee, which I wore three days in a row, and even slept in.  He knows I've been very spiritual with my faith and I took the time and effort to come every Friday night for the past three years to lead a small young adults group in my parish after Adoration.  I was even the president of my Christian club for two years and led bible studies in my school.  That day, however, what he told me made everything change.  He asked me how I could ever possibly be a leader if I couldn't follow simple directions by wearing more demure clothing.  Mind you, my shorts were only two inches above the knee, so that was much longer than shorts girls usually wear in 95 degree weather.  When he said that, I wondered why I was even in Spain with my church in the first place.  I was angry and I couldn't believe that he would say that when I thought my faith was enough to show him how much I cared about God and my church.  From there, my faith changed and everything broke.  

Once I came back home, I stopped coming on Friday nights.  I didn't care enough to come because I was upset at Fr. Johnny and I felt there was "bad blood" between the two of us.  Yes, he's a priest, but he's also human.  Being at church once made me feel calm and peaceful, and now the feeling turned into emptiness.  I told my mother why I stopped going consecutively each week and she told me to speak to the priest.  Even after confession and constant prayer, it wasn't enough to sway my decision to stay away.  He went as far as to remove my Friday night group and turned it into a Tuesday night group with high school students.  It upset me, but what could I do about it all?  Nothing.  I was once told by a young girl that I had a holy light surrounding me that I could use to help so many young people looking to fill that empty void with faith.  I was taken aback by this and I always kept it in mind, but after Spain, all of this was lacking and I didn't feel I had the time, the energy, or faith to continue on with my journey with my church.  Going to mass was still a weekly task, but I felt it was just another thing to do with my daily routine... and so I drifted away and had "fun" with worldly emotions and feelings.

This feeling stayed with me up until now.  I've noticed myself getting a bit more aggravated over everything more quickly.  I've been moodier and very stressed about things going on in my life (ie. work, boyfriend, boyfriend's parents, siblings, financial issues, graduate school, etc...).  It really hasn't been good for my health because I haven't been sleeping well.  These horrible feelings needed to go away.  Since Ash Wednesday, I told myself I would do my best to make it to mass every morning at 8:30 during the week, as well as go to mass with my family on the weekends.  I needed some sort of change from my so-called "norm."  Despite my current rage and anger against many things, I forced myself to wake up early to go to church.  My anger slowly began to subside and I still rant here and there, but waking up to God was bringing me back to my inner peace.  I knew I was forcing myself to go, but I wanted to keep praying because I knew my efforts would show God I wanted to come back to Him.

After my first night shift at work, I went to celebrate my usual 5PM mass.  I volunteer and lector every weekend when I come to church because it's just something I did.  It used to be more fulfilling when things felt different, but lately, it just felt like I was going there to read scriptures.  Today, things changed.  I celebrated mass with the priest that told me I didn't have what it took to be a leader.  Fr. Johnny greeted me with a smile and a hello.  I did the same and shortly after, the mass started.  During the Prayer of the Faithful, I told God my personal intentions.  I told Him I wanted to be myself again and I didn't want to be upset or angry anymore.  I wanted strength to fight off people who are trying to harm me and I wanted to be at peace.  As silly as this next part sounds, I could honestly say I felt something come inside me and make me well up with tears.  I didn't know what it was, and I'm assuming it might have been the Holy Spirit, but I felt different.  When I received communion, I looked up at Fr. Johnny and wanted to cry.  I wanted to apologize for being so stubborn about not going to church.  I wanted to apologize to all the people who used to come to my young adults group to listen to my words and hear me talk about the Gospel.  I felt terrible for leaving God and turning my back away again.  I wanted to tell my boyfriend's mother that I forgive her for not understanding the truth, and that I'd hoped she'd find it one day.  I just wanted to say sorry for all of my mistakes.

I don't know what came over me, but now, I want to come back to church even more than ever.  I want to do all these things I felt while sitting with my brothers and sisters at mass.  I want to be at peace with myself once again and I want to come celebrate mass every morning.  I want to discipline myself during this Lenten season and I hope everyone will keep me in their prayers.  It's so easy to fall off the path of good, and it's even harder to get back on it.  I hope I'll be able to do my best.  I want to give up my pride for Lent, and even past that.  I want to be more humble and happy.  I hope I'll be able to keep this wish.  And to all my friends - I'm sorry for leaving you and abandoning you when you needed me or wanted me around.  It's like they say, though...

"What do you think?  If a man owns a hundred sheep, and one of them wanders away, will he not leave the ninety-nine on the hills and go to look for the one that wandered off?  And if he finds it, truly I tell you, he is happier about that one sheep than about the ninety-nine that did not wander off.  In the same way your Father in heaven is not willing that any of these little ones should perish." 
-Matthew 18:12-14 

I am that sheep.  I was lost.  I'm being led back... and it's going to take some time for me to get back on track, but I'm willing to do my best to find my way.  My faith is more important to me than anything else in this world.  It's the only thing that gets me through it all when things are rough.

I haven't been feeling myself lately.  I don't know what it is, but I just feel like I'm not being "me."  I actually don't really know who I am to begin with, but I've been getting to know myself better over the past year and I've gotten accustomed to my likes and dislikes.  However, I've been noticing a bit of change within me and it's been bothering me.  I feel like outside influences are making me become someone I'm not, and that's obviously taking a toll on my personality.  It doesn't make me meaner or rude, but it is making me feel a bit uncomfortable.  The people I hang out with have great influences on me, but that shouldn't cause changes, should it?  I'm trying very hard to get back to the way I was... and that means taking some time for myself and doing what I love to do.  I suppose you could say I'm doing a bit of a self-cleanse, so I can figure out who I am again.  I tend to do things everyone else wants me to do and forget what I want to do in the process.  I shouldn't even care about everyone else.  I should just care about myself and that's it, but for some reason, it never turns out that way.

Today has been the first day in quite some time that I've felt "normal."  I went to work as usual and hung out with Erika.  We chatted about our boyfriends, school, and a variety of other things to talk about during the day to pass the time as Dr. Chin saw his patients.  I ended up leaving and did a little bit of shopping.  I bought three beautiful pairs of shoes... and spent quite a bit of money on them, just because I knew I could pay it back.  From there, I went to the gym.  I skipped Zumba because the line to get into the class was getting ridiculous and I walked on the treadmill until it was time to go see my trainer.  I completely forgot how much I loved to work out, train, get my butt kicked, and spend time with him.  This was the first time I've trained in almost a year and I was definitely out of shape.  He was obviously seeing the worry on my face about gaining 30 lbs. since the summer, and just reassured me that he will fix it.  I know he'll be able to fix it all... it's just that I need to have the will power to fix it all again.  Only then will I be able to feel normal and go back into modeling... as well as feel confident about myself.

My trainer makes me feel very grounded and makes me remember who I was.  He laughed at me today for not remembering what he'd taught me, but he told me he would do his best to give my old body back to me.  He asked me, "Where did my Kat go?!" as I almost fell down during our kickboxing session today.  I need to do more things like this, because it makes me happy and it's more fulfilling than just sitting and eating all the time... or watching movies.  Working out used to give me that boost of energy and confidence that I was a lot stronger than those sissies out there.  My weight now is the heaviest I've ever been... and it's bothering me.  I have to get back to being myself again.  I want to do things I love to do, and I'll do it for me, not anyone else.  It's about time.