It's been quite some time since I've been on this thing... and with the time that has passed, I've slipped away and done many different things with myself... like got a job, got into the art field, stopped caring about what guys thought of me, "manned up" (or so to speak), and even changed to become a better person.  I've distanced myself from some people, while making new friends and meeting new acquaintances.  All along the way, Xanga was by my side.  I've had my ups and downs, and Xanga was always there to listen.  Once I finally left and life got in the way, I stopped blogging for a while.  I finally got back into it and I now pay for my own domain.  As sad as I am seeing Xanga die off, I am happy for the memories it held for me with each and every blog.  Xanga was a big part of my life and really got me through many things. 

Maybe, just maybe, someone will allow Xanga to live so it doesn't have to die just yet.  :) 

It's been about a year and two months since I've gotten into a steady relationship that I can be happy about.  Things always seemed so simple and relaxed, but I'm not really sure what's happened over the last month.  As of lately, my boyfriend's become quite hostile towards me about certain issues and I'm not exactly sure why... or what to make of it.  We were fine up until after the hurricane, and then he started morphing into this horribly upsetting person that I can't seem to talk to or communicate with.  When I have something to tell him, he calls me a baby and tells me I need to mature or grow up.  If I'm upset about certain things he says, he tells me not to take anything he says seriously... but how could I not when those words come straight from his mouth?  When I tell him to stop doing or saying things, he doesn't oblige and makes me feel even more uncomfortable than I am already.  I guess I should back track...

After the storm, he ended up staying at my house all week because he had no heat or power.  We were nice enough to let him sleep over, eat some hot food, take nice hot showers, and take him to and from work every day.  Once we got the power back on, we even let him do laundry (I've been helping him do all his laundry over the past few months already) and let him go back home.  A few weeks ago, I got into an argument with my parents about my life and everything else.  My dad said this to me, "I asked O why he was doing laundry at our house and he told me that the only reason why you wanted him to come over was to do laundry here.  I don't want him doing laundry here."  My dad was yelling at me about that (on top of all the other things).  I got very upset and after all was said and done, I just called O and asked him about it.  The conversation went like this (mind you, I was barely talking above a whisper):

Me:  I got into a fight with my dad.
Him:  What happened?
Me:  (tells him the entire story)
Him:  You should know why he acts that way by now.  It's because he's old.
Me:  Yeah, I guess... but wait, can I ask you something?
Him:  Yeah?
Me:  Why did you tell my dad that the only reason why I wanted you to come over was so you could do your laundry?  You shouldn't have said that.
Him:  (voice rises)  I could say whatever I want to say to anyone.  (yelling)  Don't tell me what to do!!!
Me:  Why are you yelling at me?  I'm not yelling at you... I'm not even talking above a whisper.  I didn't call you to fight with you... I called you so you could comfort me because I'm really upset and I just need someone right now.  Why can't you do that for me?
Him:  What do you want me to say?
Me:  I don't know... I just want you to listen.
Him:  If you want me to listen, why don't you just leave me a voicemail?
Me:  (very upset and crying)  Forget it.  Good night.  *hangs up*

After this conversation, I didn't talk to him for about a week until Black Friday.  I even stopped by his aunt's house to drop off food and he was over already, but I decided to not say a word to him because I didn't want to yell.  The only reason why we started talking on Black Friday was because I was in such a good mood and I didn't want the sight of seeing him to spoil it all.  I needed to think about what I was going to say carefully and I didn't want to just start yelling at him over everything that's been happening.  I'm upset with good reason... I think it was a legitimate excuse to be upset.  On top of that... we have to move onto the more humiliating comments that have triggered my anger and frustration.

As of lately, he's been calling me fat, heavy, chunky, or whatever.  I am very sensitive about my weight and over the recent months, these little comments he thinks is "cute" has gotten to the point where I actually feel very uncomfortable about myself... especially when it comes to being touched or hugged.  I know rule #1 about a relationship for a guy is to NEVER call a girl fat.  I knew that from the beginning... why he doesn't know about it is beyond me.  I bought myself a pair of Galaxy Pearl leggings from Black Milk and he commented, "Oh, those are so hot.  It's the expanding galaxy!"  He said this in front of his mom, my siblings, and my parents.  It was really embarrassing for me because when I thought I looked good, it made me think I looked horrible.  He consistently tells me I'm heavy at work and it's because I eat so much cake... and he says it in front of our coworkers.  How am I supposed to feel about this?  I've spoken to him about it time and time again, but everything I say to him goes in one ear and out the other.  My self esteem has been dropping and I haven't been eating because I feel so heavy.  I don't know what to do.  He reasoned it out this way:  "I'm worried about you and the way you eat because you're always talking about how you want to eat cakes and sweets.  I don't want you to get heavy or sick."  If you're worried about me, then telling me I'm fat is just not the way to go.

There were also times where I've asked him to give me a hug because I just needed one and he would argue with me about it.  He would say, "Why would I want to give you a hug if there was no meaning behind it?"  If I want a hug, I just want one for you to comfort me.  If me being in his arms makes me feel better, then why can't he just do it?  I don't understand what the point is when we have these useless arguments over nothing.  These things shouldn't even be argued about.  I don't think I'm demanding as a girlfriend.  I ask for certain things:  respect, for him to listen and comfort me when I'm upset, and to communicate.  What is so difficult about that?  If I get those things, I will give him the world.  That's how I am to my friends... and everyone knows that.  I don't believe I really have a mean bone in my body that can be destructive towards others... unless you really get me angry, and that takes A LOT of energy.  I just want to know why this sudden change is happening in our relationship... because it feels like there is so much stress being added.

We spend a lot of time together.  I know he's looking to gain some space.  Yesterday, he said he wanted to take a break from seeing me and that he didn't want me to come over and hang out with him.  He wanted some "me time."  I understand having alone time, but do you really have to go tell someone, "I don't want to see you."?  It's weird because the day before, we were just talking about hanging out. I don't understand what he wants me to do.  I suppose he wants to be self sufficient.  My friends think he's cheating on me or he's just acting out so I can break up with him.  I don't want this relationship to become another toxic one, especially since I've already lived through one of those... and that was enough for me.  However, I can't allow him to keep pushing me and bossing me around.  I don't want to be the doting girlfriend who will come and hang out on his time... what about my time?  I just things to go back to how they were before... and I want him to stop being such a jerk.  Guys who have PMS are really hard to deal with.

What should I do?  I know he has a different mentality as compared to everyone else, but at the same time, it can also be comparable to that of a normal guy's.  How do I deal with this and make the relationship better?  Breaking up is easy... maintaining the relationship is hard.  I never take the easy way out... and plus, even though he's a jerkface, I know this guy loves me a lot.  

I haven't written in quite some time because I've been so busy with my life, but I've come to realize many things along the way.  I've been overly stressed and I think it's about time to relax a bit and breathe.  

• Eat less, exercise more.  Those calories seem to be piling up and they're obviously not going anywhere if I don't work out.
• Study harder, play less.  I need to pass this board exam because it's what is needed to keep my job.
• Stop looking at the past.  The past is the past.  I can't change it;  I can only change my future ahead.  I have to keep pushing forward to achieve what I want to achieve.
• Explore the world.  I would like to save up money and go visit all these different places... after I pay my bills. 
• Your past does not define you.  Just because someone tells me I was once a certain way doesn't mean I am still the same way now.  I don't believe I can keep acting one way when there are so many factors that change your life.  I am not who I was before, and most likely, I'll never be that same person again.  There will be similarities, but there will also be differences.
• Stop stressing.  My mind is constantly thinking about everything going on around me, and believe it or not, but it will drive a person nuts.  Everyone has been telling me I've been too high strung lately... and I guess they're right.  I need to find a way to enjoy life again and relax because you only live once, right?
• Be more family oriented.  I need to start spending more time with my family.  I've been isolating myself a lot because I honestly don't want to be around many people. 
• Be happy.  I should learn to be happy with everything I have because I will not always have it all.  
• Make new friends.  I need to find better people to hang out with... I have a certain set few that are always going to be there for me as I am for them... and those are the people I can call my best friends, but I feel like making some new friends and getting acquainted with others.  It would be nice to get out of seclusion and isolation for a little while.
• Start preparing for your exams and get into physical therapy school.  This is absolutely a MUST.

I sort of miss being social, but I suppose I like the quiet life.  I do miss some of the people I used to hang out with, though.  It's always fun to catch up once in a while.  I just have to get on track with everything again.  Life isn't always about money and working (though a lot of it is).  I'm not getting any younger... and it hit me hard yesterday that I was already 25 years old.  I temporarily forgot how old I was!  Whoops...