Thursday, 06 June 2013
It's been quite some time since I've been on this thing... and with the time that has passed, I've slipped away and done many different things with myself... like got a job, got into the art field, stopped caring about what guys thought of me, "manned up" (or so to speak), and even changed to become a better person. I've distanced myself from some people, while making new friends and meeting new acquaintances. All along the way, Xanga was by my side. I've had my ups and downs, and Xanga was always there to listen. Once I finally left and life got in the way, I stopped blogging for a while. I finally got back into it and I now pay for my own domain. As sad as I am seeing Xanga die off, I am happy for the memories it held for me with each and every blog. Xanga was a big part of my life and really got me through many things.
Maybe, just maybe, someone will allow Xanga to live so it doesn't have to die just yet. :)
Thursday, 17 January 2013
As of recently, I've been keeping myself busy working on a new art project. I finally finished it and entered it into a contest and I'm very happy with what I've done. I was inspired by Gundam Wing for this little toy...
I worked really hard on this, and I'm hoping you can all help me out by voting for it!!! The voting has just started and I'm really itching to get my artwork out there... as well as possibly win this contest! Here's the link.
The entry is #232. Thank you so much for the support and the votes!!!
Friday, 30 November 2012
It's been about a year and two months since I've gotten into a steady relationship that I can be happy about. Things always seemed so simple and relaxed, but I'm not really sure what's happened over the last month. As of lately, my boyfriend's become quite hostile towards me about certain issues and I'm not exactly sure why... or what to make of it. We were fine up until after the hurricane, and then he started morphing into this horribly upsetting person that I can't seem to talk to or communicate with. When I have something to tell him, he calls me a baby and tells me I need to mature or grow up. If I'm upset about certain things he says, he tells me not to take anything he says seriously... but how could I not when those words come straight from his mouth? When I tell him to stop doing or saying things, he doesn't oblige and makes me feel even more uncomfortable than I am already. I guess I should back track...
After the storm, he ended up staying at my house all week because he had no heat or power. We were nice enough to let him sleep over, eat some hot food, take nice hot showers, and take him to and from work every day. Once we got the power back on, we even let him do laundry (I've been helping him do all his laundry over the past few months already) and let him go back home. A few weeks ago, I got into an argument with my parents about my life and everything else. My dad said this to me, "I asked O why he was doing laundry at our house and he told me that the only reason why you wanted him to come over was to do laundry here. I don't want him doing laundry here." My dad was yelling at me about that (on top of all the other things). I got very upset and after all was said and done, I just called O and asked him about it. The conversation went like this (mind you, I was barely talking above a whisper):
Me: I got into a fight with my dad.
Him: What happened?
Me: (tells him the entire story)
Him: You should know why he acts that way by now. It's because he's old.
Me: Yeah, I guess... but wait, can I ask you something?
Me: Why did you tell my dad that the only reason why I wanted you to come over was so you could do your laundry? You shouldn't have said that.
Him: (voice rises) I could say whatever I want to say to anyone. (yelling) Don't tell me what to do!!!
Me: Why are you yelling at me? I'm not yelling at you... I'm not even talking above a whisper. I didn't call you to fight with you... I called you so you could comfort me because I'm really upset and I just need someone right now. Why can't you do that for me?
Him: What do you want me to say?
Me: I don't know... I just want you to listen.
Him: If you want me to listen, why don't you just leave me a voicemail?
Me: (very upset and crying) Forget it. Good night. *hangs up*
After this conversation, I didn't talk to him for about a week until Black Friday. I even stopped by his aunt's house to drop off food and he was over already, but I decided to not say a word to him because I didn't want to yell. The only reason why we started talking on Black Friday was because I was in such a good mood and I didn't want the sight of seeing him to spoil it all. I needed to think about what I was going to say carefully and I didn't want to just start yelling at him over everything that's been happening. I'm upset with good reason... I think it was a legitimate excuse to be upset. On top of that... we have to move onto the more humiliating comments that have triggered my anger and frustration.
As of lately, he's been calling me fat, heavy, chunky, or whatever. I am very sensitive about my weight and over the recent months, these little comments he thinks is "cute" has gotten to the point where I actually feel very uncomfortable about myself... especially when it comes to being touched or hugged. I know rule #1 about a relationship for a guy is to NEVER call a girl fat. I knew that from the beginning... why he doesn't know about it is beyond me. I bought myself a pair of Galaxy Pearl leggings from Black Milk and he commented, "Oh, those are so hot. It's the expanding galaxy!" He said this in front of his mom, my siblings, and my parents. It was really embarrassing for me because when I thought I looked good, it made me think I looked horrible. He consistently tells me I'm heavy at work and it's because I eat so much cake... and he says it in front of our coworkers. How am I supposed to feel about this? I've spoken to him about it time and time again, but everything I say to him goes in one ear and out the other. My self esteem has been dropping and I haven't been eating because I feel so heavy. I don't know what to do. He reasoned it out this way: "I'm worried about you and the way you eat because you're always talking about how you want to eat cakes and sweets. I don't want you to get heavy or sick." If you're worried about me, then telling me I'm fat is just not the way to go.
There were also times where I've asked him to give me a hug because I just needed one and he would argue with me about it. He would say, "Why would I want to give you a hug if there was no meaning behind it?" If I want a hug, I just want one for you to comfort me. If me being in his arms makes me feel better, then why can't he just do it? I don't understand what the point is when we have these useless arguments over nothing. These things shouldn't even be argued about. I don't think I'm demanding as a girlfriend. I ask for certain things: respect, for him to listen and comfort me when I'm upset, and to communicate. What is so difficult about that? If I get those things, I will give him the world. That's how I am to my friends... and everyone knows that. I don't believe I really have a mean bone in my body that can be destructive towards others... unless you really get me angry, and that takes A LOT of energy. I just want to know why this sudden change is happening in our relationship... because it feels like there is so much stress being added.
We spend a lot of time together. I know he's looking to gain some space. Yesterday, he said he wanted to take a break from seeing me and that he didn't want me to come over and hang out with him. He wanted some "me time." I understand having alone time, but do you really have to go tell someone, "I don't want to see you."? It's weird because the day before, we were just talking about hanging out. I don't understand what he wants me to do. I suppose he wants to be self sufficient. My friends think he's cheating on me or he's just acting out so I can break up with him. I don't want this relationship to become another toxic one, especially since I've already lived through one of those... and that was enough for me. However, I can't allow him to keep pushing me and bossing me around. I don't want to be the doting girlfriend who will come and hang out on his time... what about my time? I just things to go back to how they were before... and I want him to stop being such a jerk. Guys who have PMS are really hard to deal with.
What should I do? I know he has a different mentality as compared to everyone else, but at the same time, it can also be comparable to that of a normal guy's. How do I deal with this and make the relationship better? Breaking up is easy... maintaining the relationship is hard. I never take the easy way out... and plus, even though he's a jerkface, I know this guy loves me a lot.
Monday, 05 November 2012
It's been a really strange week for me here on Long Island. We had an insane hurricane that hit us hard... like a punch to the face! I never really thought of the aftermath of it until I realized what was going on outside of the hospital. I was at work on Monday night because I had to cover for someone since they were going to be out for a while month and I didn't realize the storm was going to hit until a few days earlier. The buzz was that this was going to be a very big storm (much larger than Irene), so everyone had to be prepared. To take some precautions, I filled up my tank the day before and got a few candles ready just in case something were to happen. I woke up the next day to very loud howling winds at my window and the pitter patter of rain drops. I went to work around 2PM with some really harsh winds swirling around my car... and then I saw one of the first trees a few blocks down. It was right next to my brother's best friend's house and it had been uprooted to the point where the pavement was not on the ground anymore and the tree was laying across the road. I thought to myself, "This is only going to get worse... how am I going to go home?" I actually ended up staying in my work area that night because it got so bad.
My mother told me to bring a flashlight in case of emergency... and it was a good thing I did (I brought two!). The hospital blacked out and it took a moment for them to turn the generators on, so I pulled out my flashlight to make sure things were all right. It took an hour for them to get everything back up and running, but it shut down again after a little while. I was on the phone with my mom and then the phone cut out... which meant she lost power at home. I couldn't reach anyone and I was assuming everything was blacking out. I walked out of the lab and when the doors opened from the hospital exit, it felt like a dragon breathing in my face. The wind blew my hair up and around and there were loud pops and explosions because transformers were blowing up. Trees were knocking things over and blacking out every single neighborhood around us. We were mandated to stay at work overnight, but I chose to try to come home. By 11PM, it wasn't raining anymore, but the area was a deserted mess. Oscar picked me up and we left... after a few blocks, we saw water rising from the little canal and pond areas... at least a foot deep. We saw power lines tipping down and it was pitch black. There were dangerous areas of trees threatening to fall over our heads. We finally got back to his apartment and saw the water down the block climbing up the street. Luckily, his apartment was elevated so the water didn't rise to that point... but that didn't leave us sitting in the dark all week.
I knew the damage of the hurricane would be terrible, but I didn't think it would be as terrible as it actually is. I remember waking up in the morning to a slightly cloudy sky and a post apocalyptic atmosphere. There were people standing on the street in a daze, wondering what to do with themselves. Everyone in the area was out of power, trees and power lines were in the middle of the roads, and the aftermath of the flooding led to debris all over the floor. Street lights weren't working (neither were those blasted ticket cameras lol), pavement and trees were uprooted, police were crawling all over the place, there were people in search of food, and every single pharmacy, supermarket, and Target or Wal-Mart was raided for batteries, flashlights, and what not. Lines for gasoline were several blocks down (I was happy I actually got gas the day before) and everything was a horrifying mess. What made matters worse was that I worked in Oceanside, so there were tons of people around me looking for a place to stay because their homes washed away from the high tide.
No one knew this could be the aftermath of a hurricane hitting our area... then again, no one knew a hurricane could actually hit us as hard as it did. I finally went home with Oscar because his home was also out of electricity and my parents said he could stay over for a few days since he was technically an evacuee. We had to be careful driving back home because there were electrical wires everywhere and there was no power. We got home and the shingles on my roof were missing and we were powerless, but other than that, my family was all right. The rest of the week was a blur because we didn't have our phones, internet, and television to go by to find out what the rest of the world was doing. Gas lines were horrible and I decided to not drive until I had to go to work. We only took a trip to the mall to find some R&R after being in the dark and the cold all week. My power finally came back on Friday morning and I was ecstatic, but it didn't make me feel anymore at ease. I went to work to find out most of my friends and coworkers were still out of power and a few of them even lost their homes, cars, and everything else because they lived near the flooding areas (Long Beach, Rockville Centre, Oceanside). My heart and prayers go out to them.
I just can't believe how blessed I am to still have a roof standing over my head. Some people have been shrugging this hurricane off like it was no big deal since it didn't really affect them, but this hit so close to home... especially since my family and I were stuck in it. LIPA is slowly bringing back the electricity and I see them everywhere, trying to fix all the broken transformers and power outages. I feel terrible for the people who have nothing to go back to, especially those near the beaches and Staten Island. I want to find some way to help out, even if it's a little on my side. I may donate some clothing to people if they need it, or maybe donate some food. As I look at the photos of the areas affected, it hits hard because Long Beach is where I spent almost all of my summer. Oscar and I were on the beach there, hanging out and always staring at the beautiful water each evening. We went to Rockaway a few times and I got a sunburn there, but it was still none the less fun... especially since this past summer was the summer I learned how to dive. We dove at Beach 8... I wonder what's left of it now... if there's anything left? The boardwalks everywhere are all gone... Atlantic City is gone... I wonder how they'll rebuild everything? I have to go in search of gas tomorrow morning, so we'll see what happens... I hope I'll be able to find some. In the meantime, I'll be praying for everyone who has been affected and I'm going to find a way to help out.
If any of you have anything to donate, please let me know. I know many people who need clothes, furniture, or anything you can give. I know they'll be able to appreciate it. Thanks.
Thursday, 06 September 2012
I haven't written in quite some time because I've been so busy with my life, but I've come to realize many things along the way. I've been overly stressed and I think it's about time to relax a bit and breathe.
- Eat less, exercise more. Those calories seem to be piling up and they're obviously not going anywhere if I don't work out.
- Study harder, play less. I need to pass this board exam because it's what is needed to keep my job.
- Stop looking at the past. The past is the past. I can't change it; I can only change my future ahead. I have to keep pushing forward to achieve what I want to achieve.
- Explore the world. I would like to save up money and go visit all these different places... after I pay my bills.
- Your past does not define you. Just because someone tells me I was once a certain way doesn't mean I am still the same way now. I don't believe I can keep acting one way when there are so many factors that change your life. I am not who I was before, and most likely, I'll never be that same person again. There will be similarities, but there will also be differences.
- Stop stressing. My mind is constantly thinking about everything going on around me, and believe it or not, but it will drive a person nuts. Everyone has been telling me I've been too high strung lately... and I guess they're right. I need to find a way to enjoy life again and relax because you only live once, right?
- Be more family oriented. I need to start spending more time with my family. I've been isolating myself a lot because I honestly don't want to be around many people.
- Be happy. I should learn to be happy with everything I have because I will not always have it all.
- Make new friends. I need to find better people to hang out with... I have a certain set few that are always going to be there for me as I am for them... and those are the people I can call my best friends, but I feel like making some new friends and getting acquainted with others. It would be nice to get out of seclusion and isolation for a little while.
- Start preparing for your exams and get into physical therapy school. This is absolutely a MUST.
I sort of miss being social, but I suppose I like the quiet life. I do miss some of the people I used to hang out with, though. It's always fun to catch up once in a while. I just have to get on track with everything again. Life isn't always about money and working (though a lot of it is). I'm not getting any younger... and it hit me hard yesterday that I was already 25 years old. I temporarily forgot how old I was! Whoops...